Why I've been absent

For those who want to know why I haven't posted in forever... it's because I've been drawing.

All works are my own - do not use without permission.

Songs featured:

Fireflies - Owl City

Barbapapa's Groove - Barbatuques

"...Make New Friends, But Keep the Old..."

It has been several weeks since I have connected with this last meditation on life. Unfortunately, it's not very pretty.

I was never the most popular kid in school, nor the biggest loser (or at least it didn't reach my ears), but I've had my share of friends that came and went, imprinting bits of their lives in my heart and mind. I'm sure everyone has had the experience of looking back on his/her best friend from kindergarten, third grade, eighth grade, senior year, or freshman year of college and wondering about the ups and downs they shared together. At the best of times, no one expects the day that might just come where he/she realizes that what they thought was a knotted friendship was just actually twisted together. In reflection from a short address at my cousin's wedding, all sorts of tensions pull at each person's rope and they begin to unravel themselves, leaving two individual lengths of string as if they had never touched.

I think that, for the first time, I've desperately been pulling at these strings to put them back together. A friend from high school and I have been distancing ourselves for the past several months without actual cause. We've had our objections and arguments, and maybe I assumed that we were closer than we really were, but to sum it up - it hurts. I can't pinpoint when it began to crumble or when I felt it the first, second, or seventh time, but it is something I'm clinging to and I can't tell if that a pro or con. This is where brain and heart collide. The head says move, the heart says stay and try to repair. The thing is, I don't know if I ever meant much to this person, but, at times, they (yes, I'm breaking grammar to keep confidentiality) meant the world to me. I find that this is one of the hardest parts to accept; I won't ever know if their smiles were real, if their laughter was genuine, if their hugs emanated the same gratitude I tried to convey through mine.

While we haven't terminated our friendship officially, I feel that's the path we're going down. We will inevitably be moving onward in our own directions, moving to new states or countries, gaining new friends and partners, and possibly won't see each other for months or even years at a time.

They have changed and so have I. It is as simple, but simultaneously just as complicated, as that.

Sorry if itsy bitsy teeny tiny revelations was depressing. I didn't want it to be, and yet, sometimes looking at life tends to be.

itsy bitsy teeny tiny revelations that might just make a difference

Five years from now it won't matter what I wore today. Yes, I understand the power of my decisions at this very moment: their potential and abilty to change the world - or at the very least, my future. But quite honestly, how important will it be whether I aced or failed a homework grade? A test? A class? I can do things that I will regret, but isn't that what makes the phrase "live and learn" legit? That little voice that says march to your own drum, take a chance, stop trying to be the perfect kid...

At what point do parents stop winning just because "they can"? At the end of the day, I neither feel young or old, wise or dull, satisfied or dissatisfied, complete or incomplete. One morning will I just wake up and tell myself to go to class because I NEED to learn or WANT to learn whatever is being lectured upon that day?

Since when does your friend count on Facebook really matter? How important is it to collect the most bumper stickers, have the most comment replies, or "befriend" 1,000+ acquiantances? How significant will the shoes I bought yesterday be in five years? For all I know, they're going to go out of style tomorrow. Will a risk really be worth it or am I just driving myself in a rhetorical circle?

Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to figure out the meaning of life without any factors or clues to start off with. Maybe, today, I'm just excessively bored and wish I were back home with my parents and dogs. So many times I've tried to wake myself up and propose a resolution that will steadily increase the value of my teeny tiny life here on earth; something that will change my whole pattern of thought when I lay eyes on a person for the first time or will empower me to stand up against all the bullies I faced in third grade.

(significant pause in thinking - the cursor line [or whatever you want to call it] was taunting me by just sitting there and blinking)

I guess this is the main point. At times, I experience a low like everyone else and when this happens I always end up at the same Y junction. I have two options: 1) go the high road and be happy so as not to bring others down, to not worry those who care about me, to forget it all and move onward in a positive direction. Option 2) slide down a particularly slippery slope and ponder the thought of how much people really care what I think, the thought of how much I'll really make a difference, or if I'll ever get out of the rut I'm stuck in.

Everyone feels this way. I'm no different. I think that sometimes, I just need to be reminded that the celebrities and role models don't always come out as sparkly and polished as they seem to be, money can drag you down farther than it can boost you up, popularity can attract all the wrong sorts of people, and material objects can rip, tear, burn, break, fall apart, get crushed, lost, or stolen.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, all I need is a little reminder from the people who stayed where I left them, waiting for me to come back.