"Why?" (With an Answer)

Why am I tired?

I am tired because my bed is made out of melted cheese. It has no support for my back and my room is the hottest in our appartment because of the on-going thermostat wars. 

Why am I frustrated?

I am frustrated because I don't feel I am what I used to be. I am frustrated because I don't think I knew what I was in the first place, and trying to become something you didn't know you were is a little hard. Understand? 

Why am I not happy?

To be dead honest, I think it is because my views of my family have changed dramatically. I am sad because my sister ever-so-bluntly brought it to my attention that I don't do much to support my parents when it comes to my college education. I am sad because my mom has carried and continues to carry too many burdens for her own good. She rarely does anything for herself. Her world has revolved around everyone else for about 50 years. I am sad because my father is trying to make a life-changing event work in his favor, and I don't think that it is time yet. No one knows what is going to come out of it, but the entire process makes me sad. He, too, carries more than his shoulders will allow. I am happy for my brother. I am sad because my sister rarely shares any emotions any more. She has a stern and annoyed tone when I ask her questions any more, and I feel scared around her. This is not how it's supposed to be. 

Why am I scared?

I am scared because I feel that four years are passing me by without my control. I should be experiencing something I'm not. I don't like college life that much. I'm rather disgusted by it. To me, college is that place that prepares you for work. That is what I am here for - to learn how to work. Doesn't that have a tinge of pathetic woven inbetween it?

I am also scared because I'm trying to take 18 credit hours this semester. 

I am also scared because I feel I have lost connections with friends back home. 

I am also scared because my dogs have been sick since thanksgiving. 

I am also scared because I feel dreadfully alone. Too often to enjoy. 

Why am I scared even more?

I am scared because I've been out of touch with God for about 7 months now. I don't like it. 

Why am I angry?

I think I am angry because bad things happen to good people. An article was published in Newsweek last week that talked about people who are lucky in bad situations. Personally, I thought it was bs. My roommate has lost her loan for this college even though it applies to her, has gotten her wallet stolen, lost the only $200 she had to her name, got denied at two other community colleges before finally getting into a third, the classes at that third college recently got deleted, and to top it all off, her ipod screen cracked. Yet she goes through life with a smile on her face, a story to tell, and a hug to give. What happened to "what goes around comes around"?

I am sorry this post was rather dreary. Maybe happier thoughts rest with the next post.