So Many Unknowns to Discover

Top 10 discoveries since coming back to college...

10. How many dog owners really live in Chicago - seriously. they're everywhere. i almost stepped in crap on my way to class.

9. Blick art stores - pretty much equivalent to the suburban hobby lobby, except much less expansive.

8. How long animation really takes. - it's painful.

7. My love for baking (rediscovery) - everyone should try making brownies with black beans. definitely the discovery of the week.

6. The correct way to use charcoal. - satisfying results usually come when you have instructions

5. U-passes are the new library cards. - if i didn't have one of these babies, i'd be in debt.

4. Trader Joes - have not surpassed $75 for monthly groceries. crazy awesome.

3. givesmehope.com - i have the feeling you guys are tired of me mentioning this one.

2. Spring Awakening - ditto

1. Yogen Fruz - um... practically the devil in a cup with a plastic spoon and dark chocolate chips. : )

Baby, You Give Me the Chills!!!

Top Ten Things That Repeatedly Give Me Goosebumps:

10. When someone blows on the back of my neck or into my ear. Why my ear? I don't know.

9. Biting down on an ice cube.

8. Notable cliffhangers.

7. Storytellers.

6. Any vocal groups that can pull off wicked harmonies.

5. The Olympics.

4. Trailers and behind-the-scenes featurettes for fantasy and musical films.

3. Really intense scores with elaborate string sections. (Angels & Deamons, "All I Ever Wanted" from The Prince of Egypt, Io Non Ho Paura)

2. Givesmehope.com

1. Behold the Lamb of God song sung every Good Friday at my chruch when they strip the altar.

Quotable Quotes

New post, reporting from college! So I was in this store the other day and to keep a long story short, they had a bunch of awesome cards with really neat inspirational quotes in cool graphic designs. I went to the website (quotablecards.com) and copied a bunch of my favorites. After the top ten, there are a few honorable mentions. You do not have to read them all, but take the time to read at least one and let the corners of your mouth curl or the swelling in your heart to grow. It's good for the soul. : )

10. everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end. 
-unknown

9. Wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world...
- james 

8. Risk more than others think is safe. care more than others think is wise. dream more than others think is practical. expect more than others think is possible. 
-cadet maxim 

7. Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. those who don’t believe in the magic will never find it!

- roald dahl

6. To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. this is to have succeeded! 
- ralph waldo emerson 

5. There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. that will be the beginning.
- louis l'amour

4. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. 
-souza 

3. I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. do not search fo rthe answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
-rilke 

2. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. they must be felt with the heart. 

- hellen keller

1. Do not go where the path may lead. go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. 
- ralph waldo emerson 

Many people will walk into your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart. To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. He who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,  but beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all on yourself... There is no beginning or end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.  - unknown

peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. 
-unknown 

leap and the net will appear. 
-zen saying 

never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.

-h. jackson brown, jr. 

too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. 

-leo buscaglia

be gentle with yourself. you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
- max ehrmann

what lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. 
- ralph waldo emerson 

if you're going to be passionate about something, be passionate about learning. if you're going to fight something, fight for those in need. if you're going to question something, question authority. if you're going to lose something, lose your inhibitions. if you're going to gain something, gain respect and confidence. and if you're going to hate something, hate the false idea that you are not capable of your dreams.
- daniel golston

go with a spirit that fears nothing!
- homer

you are the light of the world.

-matthew

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. practice wellness. play with abandon. laugh. choose with no regret. continue to learn. appreciate your friends. do what you love. live as if this is all there is. 

-mary anne radmacher 

Pointless, but Things Wanted

Just thought this might be a fun top 10 for the week. These are all things that I can quite definitely live without, but if I had the money right now, I'd be buying all of them in a heartbeat. They're just fun things I've always wanted or recently discovered. Enjoy.

  10. A Magic Bullet - Unless you've been living under a rock for the last decade, you'll know that this is probably one of the coolest-looking appliances for the modern day kitchen. Slices, dices, whips, chops, mixes, beats, grinds, etc. Unfortunately, I heard it doens't work as well as the infomercial advertises. Boo. 

   9. This shirt - here Walking around with your own theme song? I don't really understand what could be cooler, maybe other than...

   8. A solar-powered golf cart - does this really need an explanation? here

   7. The complete sets of NCIS, The Office, Psych, House, and Glee on DVD. My favorite television shows to date. 

   6. Extreme frosting kit - I've always loved frosting cakes and cupcakes. This would just make things a tad easier, not to mention more fun. 

   5. Home theater - This is probably the most unlikely because I would need a house to do this, and I really can't see myself buying a house within the next 5 years... but a girl can dream of a blacked-out room with leather armchairs in arena seating, surround sound, a small kitchen, and the highest definition widescreen possible. YES!

   4. The entire Jodi Picoult collection - yes, I know that there is a very large library system where I live, but it would be sooooo nice to walk over to my to-be library and grab any or all of her books. (The Tenth Circle is my favorite)

   3. A Hammock - okay, so the plan is, that when I have my three season room connected onto my future house, there will be one of those suspended hammocks hanging from the ceiling. I can totally see myself reading the above collection with an iced tea with a fleece blanket in mid-october. : )

   2. Season tickets to a somewhat popular theater - I've been dying to see 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and it came around to a theater by me, but tickets were pretty expensive. Season pass to the Hubbard Street Dance Theater wouldn't be bad either, but I'm much more a musical theater person.

   1. This fantastic light-up keyboard - So I'm pretty sure that I'll be asking for this for Christmas this year. Awesomeness just emanates from it. here

Feeling Something Good

   Every once in a while, you get one of those little feelings inside that you want to scream out to the world because, if only for the briefest moment, you felt the most wonderful elation and understanding and realization building up from the soles of your feet all the way to your heart and it calms you but makes you excited at the same time and you feel it rocking and spinning and rumbling from your very core, trying to break free to all those ears that refuse to listen and all those minds that refuse to open themselves to the rest of humanity. You want to climb to the highest point in the world and yell into the largest, strongest megaphone so the message echoes in waves around the universe, breaking things, shattering things, making mountains crumble, turning rocks into dust, wreaking havoc in tidal waves and pushing boundries farther and farther outward in all directions until they burst because of the magnificence of this pebble-turned-Goliath-sized feeling. It's a feeling that no scientist can disprove, no philosopher can question, no lawyer can retaliate, no artist can deny. It fills your entire soul, if only for the briefest moment, with honesty and truth and blunt force and proof that the world is better off knowing its secret rather than being kept one. It is something every man, woman, and child can understand and feel if only, for the briefest moment, they tear off the masks and shells and coats and coverings to what is authentically real and what righteously belongs in their hearts and minds compared to the accumulating pains and terrors and angst and hatred and fears that burrow themselves under the skin, drawing attention to themselves and tearing apart our dignity at the moments they deem appropriate. This new part of you battles them to extinction and clears out the damage and reconstructs the body, cell by cell. Until this hour - until this moment, if only for that briefest moment, you thought the world had plunged you into a hole so deep and so expansively wide that you could not see the walls and the sky was too vast, but you know there is no one there to help you out, this small feeling put its hand on your back and lifted you, oh so gently and carefully!, to the safest place imaginable where you could understand everything behind you and accept it as the past - something that cannot be touched. It was this feeling that made you comprehend the fullness of life without burdens and baggage and weights tied to your belt. It was this feeling that helped you regain your balance and mend your wounds and not only walk to the edge, but skip along its perimiter. 

   However, this feeling kept the last puzzle piece. It somehow forgot to grace you with the courage to tell the world how truly wonderful it feels. That you have to find yourself - but when you do, it will be the best feeling in the world. 

Hero Complex

   When do we really discover our true potential? Can you really ever discover how much you can do or handle when there's always something bigger, stronger, longer, louder, harder, faster...? 

   Being one of the millions of teens in this world exposed to the genius of J.K. Rowling's, I adore the magnificent story of Harry Potter and his comrades on the never-ending quest for good in a magical world. I admire her abilities to fill page after page with words that capture my every being for the briefest moments. Numerous times, I've caught myself smiling wide while reading a particularly exciting portion of one of the epic tales from her collection. My favorite part about it all... I can relive the fantasy again and again and again. 

   But in all honesty, I can't help but long for an adventure of my own. How many times had I wished that a letter would come soaring through my bedroom window by delivery owl (hopefully they would have been careful to watch out for the screen)? Along with every other fantasy addict, I picture myself in the hero's position. Would I have the gut to perform the duties? to abandon the ones I loved for a greater good? to perform at my fullest ability every second? There's that part of me that longs for such an adventure with so much intensity it hurts sometimes. I hate to say that my life is rather boring, one because I'm extremely blessed to have the life I have, and two, I have had opportunities to take extraordinary chances, but it's been ground into me since childhood to stay on the right side of the line. 

   I want to be reckless and not care. I want to be spontaneous and not worry about the paper that's due tomorrow or how tired I'll be the next day. I want to do things that will fill my life to the seams with the happiest moments of my life. However, I feel like that one miniscule spark hasn't come yet. The one catalyst that changes my life from this one to the next hasn't passed by me yet. I don't know what it is, but I want it to come soon. I don't want to have to look back years from now and ask myself why I didn't take a chance. At the same time, I feel like someone gave me the option between the red pill and blue pill, and unknowingly, I took the one labelled "ordinary." 

   So... I want to make the rest of my life count. I'm not saying that what has happened to me isn't a blessing or a lesson. I want to create a more extraordinary life for myself. I want to walk to the edge, challenge the majority, break the rules, swim agains the current... and win. 

   Anyone want to come? I'm waiting.  

the new info from my facebook

I dream. I love. I learn. I laugh. I smile. I cry. I enjoy what I have – but sometimes want more. I make very clear visuals in my head. I cherish those who bless me with their company. I let my mind wander – sometimes a little too much. I take pictures. I make videos. I dance – in and out of the rain. I want to work for Pixar some day. I sing. I act – poorly. I smile some more. I make several copies of everything in fear of losing it. I organize. I mother others – sometimes to the point of their annoyance. I listen thoroughly. I chat. I yell. I scream. I draw. I paint. I make friendship bracelets. I believe in God. I cherish the smaller things. I believe in soulmates – can't wait to meet mine. I don't like pizza, popsicles, #2 pencils, muscle spasms, being late, jumping spiders, or bad erasers. I sleep. I feel bliss when surrounded by my friends. I write. I play. I breathe. I worry. I ponder. I envy. I fear. I believe that the good stuff comes at times when you don't suspect. I have way too much art supplies – but. I love every piece. I have the most wonderful family. I have contacts. And glasses. I get lost in music. I whisper. I peek. I admit. I lie. I speak. I ride bicycles. I eat fairly healthy. I approach anger and frustration with the same amount of bitterness. I take too much and give too little. I wish. I run. I come. I go. I leave. I know what is out there – and yet. I have no idea. I own a Mac. I miss being five years old. I can't wait to be 25. I smell. I think. I react – sometimes too quickly. I wish I had more patience. I wish I had more understanding. I wish I had more awe, wonder, reverence, responsibility, determination, enthusiasm. I wish I could tell the world how much I love it – and at the same time how much. I don't deserve what it's given me. I wish I could tell you how much I love you... but when. I try. I find there are no words. : )

lessons learned

Sorry about the delay in posting. I don't think about it much, and unfortunately, it is constantly shoved to the back of my brain by the other million thoughts that cross my mind in a 24-hour span. Today's post will be short being that I need to leave for class in several minutes. 

The ever popular roommate debate finally reaches the occupants of apt. 801. For the past several weeks, one roommate refused to talk to me for good reason. I admit I said some rather unnecessary words about her boyfriend and she had all right to be angry with me. That did not bug me so much as the somewhat fierce demeanor when we were trapped in an elevator together. Long story short, I found a paper on my desk later that day demanding payments I had carelessly forgot to give back to her. For the past several days, I was afraid to enter the dorm on the chance that she might start an argument, which I know I would not have won. I was so absorbed with the fear of creating an even deeper chasm between us, that all yesterday I wandered around the city, looking for random things to pass time with, or calling up my few friends to take refuge in their dorms. Finally, I got some cash out of the ATM and wrote her a civil note. For some reason, I do not feel scared to come back to my own home. It was a strangely freeing action that also found some of my lost courage simultaneously. 

Lesson learned: If you are stuck in a situation, seek help from the best advice-givers you know and take action with confidence. It saves you the medical bills you might get from having an ulcer. 

another top ten...

Another top ten. This time, it's goals that are pretty reasonable, and things that I can accomplish within the next 5-10 years based on my own will. None of that gain a life partner, complete life dream stuff. (although that would be nice!)

10. To lose a couple of pounds in a healthy way and keep them off. 

9. To make a 2D animated film, completely hand-drawn and colored, and at least 30 minutes long. 

8. To learn archery and be able to hit a target. 

7. To learn chess and win a few games.

6. To go to a party somewhere in the city with friends and be completely comfortable with myself.

5. To learn how to dance legitimately. 

4. To cook a 6 course meal, complete with creative plating, dessert, and wine tasting beforehand. 

3. To be able to run a mile in less than 10 minutes. (Trust me, I've struggled with this forever.)

2. To hold an extremely large bird of prey on my hand and not be scared. I've wanted to train birds since I realized it was an actual occupation and I have always been entranced with their grace. 

1. To visit Pixar studios. Whether it's to work there or just to look around, I think that would be amazing. 

"Why?" (With an Answer)

Why am I tired?

I am tired because my bed is made out of melted cheese. It has no support for my back and my room is the hottest in our appartment because of the on-going thermostat wars. 

Why am I frustrated?

I am frustrated because I don't feel I am what I used to be. I am frustrated because I don't think I knew what I was in the first place, and trying to become something you didn't know you were is a little hard. Understand? 

Why am I not happy?

To be dead honest, I think it is because my views of my family have changed dramatically. I am sad because my sister ever-so-bluntly brought it to my attention that I don't do much to support my parents when it comes to my college education. I am sad because my mom has carried and continues to carry too many burdens for her own good. She rarely does anything for herself. Her world has revolved around everyone else for about 50 years. I am sad because my father is trying to make a life-changing event work in his favor, and I don't think that it is time yet. No one knows what is going to come out of it, but the entire process makes me sad. He, too, carries more than his shoulders will allow. I am happy for my brother. I am sad because my sister rarely shares any emotions any more. She has a stern and annoyed tone when I ask her questions any more, and I feel scared around her. This is not how it's supposed to be. 

Why am I scared?

I am scared because I feel that four years are passing me by without my control. I should be experiencing something I'm not. I don't like college life that much. I'm rather disgusted by it. To me, college is that place that prepares you for work. That is what I am here for - to learn how to work. Doesn't that have a tinge of pathetic woven inbetween it?

I am also scared because I'm trying to take 18 credit hours this semester. 

I am also scared because I feel I have lost connections with friends back home. 

I am also scared because my dogs have been sick since thanksgiving. 

I am also scared because I feel dreadfully alone. Too often to enjoy. 

Why am I scared even more?

I am scared because I've been out of touch with God for about 7 months now. I don't like it. 

Why am I angry?

I think I am angry because bad things happen to good people. An article was published in Newsweek last week that talked about people who are lucky in bad situations. Personally, I thought it was bs. My roommate has lost her loan for this college even though it applies to her, has gotten her wallet stolen, lost the only $200 she had to her name, got denied at two other community colleges before finally getting into a third, the classes at that third college recently got deleted, and to top it all off, her ipod screen cracked. Yet she goes through life with a smile on her face, a story to tell, and a hug to give. What happened to "what goes around comes around"?

I am sorry this post was rather dreary. Maybe happier thoughts rest with the next post.